So I was not planning this blog post at all, but I’m having a real tough fight with my OCD today. I thought okay I said I would blog about OCD so why not write a post when I’m struggling, and maybe even some of you guys can help me out. Okay, so here’s the story from today, So recently because of certain things I’ve been really doubting I have OCD, so I rang psychologist so I could go through some things I’m worrying about. Which is all fine but I feel like until then I cannot buy things or do ‘permanent’ things,such as starting this blog or I feel like I could do something bad. I decided to ignore what my OCD was telling me to do and I made this blog, but I’ve stuck by the not buying things.
Today I went shopping with mum and saw so many things I would have liked to buy but I didn’t, she wanted to buy a baby grow for a lady that’s just had a baby and I thought ‘oh dear I don’t want to be here for that because I don’t want to help choose because that’s just as bad as buying it, and something might happen to the baby!’ I no this is rubbish and its all tricks from my OCD (magical thinking) but I again tried to ignore it and I helped, initially I felt anxious like I wanted to make mum take the item back. But last year I made her take things back at Christmas because something really bad on the new happened that day, this year I promised myself I wouldn’t because I want things to be good this year and that brings back bad memories.
I carried on and thought I was ok with it, then when we got home my brother and his girlfriend decided they wanted to watch a horror film, which I avoid at all costs because of the amount of anxiety it gives me and makes me think about a lot of things and ask myself a lot of ‘what if’ and ‘could i’ questions. I only watched the first 10 mins and that was it I could feel my heart racing and the feeling of regret deep in my stomach wishing I had never watched it, even thought I know its good to expose myself to these things. I could have moved on quite easily from this BUT now here’s my problem in the start of this film there was a baby, and my mind started thinking all sorts of things like ‘what if the baby in the film is a sign that I need to take the baby grow back’ and I know that’s so irrational but I can’t help but think It’s too much of coincidence that I was worrying about something my mum had bought for a baby (which never happens as it is, we don’t know any baby’s to buy for) but then the one time I watch a horror film it just so happens to have a baby in it.
I know this is OCD magical thinking but at the same time, I feel so worried like I have to take the baby grow back. Also along with this every time I have seen something horrible or anxiety provoking I have been blogging, which makes me think ‘Oh no that’s a sign I should have waited to start this blog until I’d seen a psychologist, maybe I should delete it’ Which I really don’t want to do 😦 So why am I blabbering on about this too you guys, well I need some advice from an outsider as things in your own brain feel so BIG and real when you have OCD. Does this sound really silly and irrational? Does this sound like OCD? What should I do? I hope I don’t sound to crazy but this is the reality of me and my OCD 😦
Any advice would be so appreciated, Thank you so much!!