Help me see sense?

So I was not planning this blog post at all, but I’m having a real tough fight with my OCD today. I thought okay I said I would blog about OCD so why not write a post when I’m struggling, and maybe even some of you guys can help me out. Okay, so here’s the story from today, So recently because of certain things I’ve been really doubting I have OCD, so I rang psychologist so I could go through some things I’m worrying about. Which is all fine but I feel like until then I cannot buy things or do ‘permanent’ things,such as starting this blog or I feel like I could do something bad. I decided to ignore what my OCD was telling me to do and I made this blog, but I’ve stuck by the not buying things.

Today I went shopping with mum and saw so many things I would have liked to buy but I didn’t, she wanted to buy a baby grow for a lady that’s just had a baby and I thought ‘oh dear I don’t want to be here for that because I don’t want to help choose because that’s just as bad as buying it, and something might happen to the baby!’ I no this is rubbish and its all tricks from my OCD (magical thinking) but I again tried to ignore it and I helped, initially I felt anxious like I wanted to make mum take the item back. But last year I made her take things back at Christmas because something really bad on the new happened that day, this year I promised myself I wouldn’t because I want things to be good this year and that brings back bad memories.

I carried on and thought I was ok with it, then when we got home my brother and his girlfriend decided they wanted to watch a horror film, which I avoid at all costs because of the amount of anxiety it gives me and makes me think about a lot of things and ask myself a lot of ‘what if’ and ‘could i’ questions. I only watched the first 10 mins and that was it I could feel my heart racing and the feeling of regret deep in my stomach wishing I had never watched it, even thought I know its good to expose myself to these things. I could have moved on quite easily from this BUT now here’s my problem in the start of this film there was a baby, and my mind started thinking all sorts of things like ‘what if the baby in the film is a sign that I need to take the baby grow back’ and I know that’s so irrational but I can’t help but think It’s too much of coincidence that I was worrying about something my mum had bought for a baby (which never happens as it is, we don’t know any baby’s to buy for) but then the one time I watch a horror film it just so happens to have a baby in it.

I know this is OCD magical thinking but at the same time, I feel so worried like I have to take the baby grow back. Also along with this every time I have seen something horrible or anxiety provoking I have been blogging, which makes me think ‘Oh no that’s a sign I should have waited to start this blog until I’d seen a psychologist, maybe I should delete it’ Which I really don’t want to do 😦 So why am I blabbering on about this too you guys, well I need some advice from an outsider as things in your own brain feel so BIG and real when you have OCD. Does this sound really silly and irrational? Does this sound like OCD? What should I do? I hope I don’t sound to crazy but this is the reality of me and my OCD 😦

Any advice would be so appreciated, Thank you so much!!

14 thoughts on “Help me see sense?

  1. I know you asked for advice… but I don’t have any – I’m so sorry! I only have understanding of what you’re going through, and those irrational thoughts.

    When things like this happen to me, when a panic-cycle has began in my mind about “what if this will happen now…” or “I’m going to have to do this because if not someone might die!” – Yeah, I used have to touch each hand a certain number of times, or someone would die! It is awful! Well, when stuff like that happens, I only try to bury myself in something that will take my mind off it.

    I realise that sounds like the most useless advice ever. I’m so sorry.

    I wish you well.

    • Thank you for your comment, I no that’s what I should do, I know from therapy I have to ignore it and refocus because its rubbish but its so so hard too because it feels so real which is part of OCD and I know it which is the most frustrating thing because I know this is OCD but I doubt it’s not!! any comments or advice helps so Thank you!! xxxx

      • Yeah, what we learn in therapy all sounds so simple until we try to apply it.

        You know, you asked in your post if this (what you describe) is OCD… and I too have the same question.

        I haven’t been too honest with my therapist. We’ve only covered past history/anxiety and depression. We’ve never touched on OCD because, well… I wasn’t sure if this is OCD.

        My father has OCD, but it affects him in a different way. For him, it’s about cleanliness and order (in the house and appearance).

        For me, and I think for you too – it’s about our minds and how obsessive we are over them and the everyday things we do – like in this example you gave: shopping. It’s hard to explain, but your previous post on Pure O – god, when I read that, I cannot tell you how grateful I was to you, because all of these years, thinking I’m “crazy” – and now I realise exactly what it is. Thank you!

        Aaaay. It is all so scary… but we have to have hope.

        I wish you well,
        Sami

      • Yeah mine is mainly Pure O, so obsessional thinking and compulsions inside our heads, and magical thinking because I know the things I think are not related deep down but its that fear and anxiety and the ‘What if’ and the worst part is I’m not scared someone will just die I’m scared I will be the person to hurt someone and not accidentally, which is the worst bit and I hate saying that to people because I’m so worried they will think I’m a horrible person! I’m glad my post about my OCD helped, that’s what I hope to spread some awareness that OCD is not just cleaning and organizing it can be but a lot of the time its not and you don’t have to have any physical compulsions at all they can be mental! Thank you! xxxx

  2. Hey,
    I hope you’re okay, I know how irrational ocd can be :/
    It’s purely coincidental that there was a baby on the film, try not to worry 😦 I know it’s extremely difficult but your worries are due to the illogicalness of the ocd and are not based on any fact, so please please try to fight it hun. (I know it’s easier said that done though.) really hope you’re okay and are managing to stay strong xx

    • Hey, I’ll be okay, nothing I’m not used too but it is hard OCD is a horrible thing and it’s so frustrating because I know it OCD but its that doubt and that feeling of it being so real and the ‘what if I am different to everyone else, maybe mines not OCD’ which again I know is completely irrational but it is really hard, because I know the right thing is to fight and not give in to taking things back because of my ocd etc but at same time your whole body is telling you you have too!! Thank you means alot to know someone understands xxxxx

  3. Sometimes I am not sure where my ED ends and where OCD starts. I just know that I deal with so many ‘rules’, ‘have-to’s’, ‘rituals’ etc… which are completely irrational. I feel that I need (more often) to put the things into perspective. I feel often that I am in some sort of vicious circle and once I ‘break’ it, then i can breath again. But – to get there… to pick up myself and all this strength and to truly break these cuffles – that is the hard part. Anyway, YOU / we can do it! It is really not impossible, it is hard but we can get there (and we have done this! so many times before!). So – continue practicing, repeating it and remembering all this times when it worked and when YOU’ve done it well!

    • Aw thanks for your comment, means a lot to me, I know exactly how you feel about having to deal with so many ‘rules’ and ‘have-tos’ but remember there not real rules they are rules that we have made up, that OCD makes us believe we HAVE to live by, but we don’t OCD is lying to us because who says we have to live by them, no one its because we believe the OCD so much, OCD convinces and tricks us in to believing these things are real! Indeed we need to keep fighting and of course its not impossible, OCD can only survive if we take notice of it, without are attention it wouldn’t be here any more! Which is what we need too do and have to do because OCD does not deserve are attention!! Keep on fighting with me and stay strong, messages like this are what keep me going, and make me feel stronger so thank you! xxxx

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