I will most likely delete this post soon, as I know I will post it and feel anxious. Because I feel like anything I do that’s permanent at the moment will be bad. So let me start from the beginning, I am a big reassurance seeker and I rely on a lot of people to get through my days with OCD. The thing is when you rely on people to give you reassurance that things your thinking, feeling and doing are OCD and don’t mean something else before you do ANYTHING your life gets put on hold.
Of course someone can’t be there for me 24/7 every time I have a worry, but how do I carry on? to me I feel like I just can’t. I have avoided going shopping and buying anything, writing blogs, tweeting and posting on Tumblr, getting dressed into clothes that aren’t old because I’m scared if I wear new stuff when things aren’t ‘right’ I will never want to wear them again because they will be bad, and Friday I am meant to have a haircut and Saturday my eyebrows waxed. How am I going to do this? unless I get the text, email and phone call to help and reassure me, I don’t know what I am meant to do.
Relying on people will only cause you upset and lack of independence, which gives you low self-esteem and huge hate towards yourself for being such a burden upon people. I know pestering someone to give me the answers I crave and need so bad to put my anxious head at rest is wrong, but at the same time I can’t help but NEED it in order to carry on with my life. Yesterday I spent all day in my pyjamas waiting for that one reply until about 8.30pm at night, until I realised, I wasn’t going to get one.
I reluctantly picked myself up to go have a shower and find some old pyjamas to put on and I felt much better. I was proud of myself for that, it took a lot for me to accept tonight I wouldn’t get a reply and I had to shower and do lots of other things without the answers my whole body craved. So here I am today still waiting on my answers to the questions about my thoughts, feelings and things I’ve done, sat alone in my house not moved off the sofa all day in old pyjamas, scared to get dressed and shower because I’d then have to work out how I was going to find something to wear that I won’t mind getting rid off later on if I have too.
See this is what happens when you depend on people and they can’t be there, I know I’m not allowed to be reassured because it feeds my OCD but what do I do? ignore it? refocus? I just can’t this time, I know the only person I can truly depend on is myself in life, but how do I when I trust nothing that goes on in my head when I have CONSTANT doubt about who I am, what my thoughts and feelings mean.
The most frustrating part of it is when you can see its OCD, but you still want to give in to it, people say ‘but you know this is OCD, so don’t give in’ if only it was so easy. So why am I even bothering to write this post, for attention? no because I write all these positive advice posts when in reality this is what my life is like, and I can’t even follow my own advice. Like I said I will probably delete this post but I feel like sometimes I put on a positive exterior when a lot of my days are like this, this is just me being real.
So I’m in this dilemma because of myself because I let OCD get to me and because I rely on people, so do I get up shower put on any outfit I like and tell OCD to F OFF. I know that’s what I should do but I don’t know I can, so I guess for now this is where I am at.
Stay Strong, Keep fighting guys ♥