Is this me, or my OCD?

From my experience with years of having OCD, I always struggled with the question who am I? I think when you have so many confusing thoughts and feelings constantly running through you and your head its easy to lose sight of who you are and it sometimes feels like you suddenly never knew who you were in the first place.

tumblr_my9xv3CZ1l1rm3527o1_500

We tend to define ourselves by our OCD thoughts and feelings, for example with me and certain thoughts I have I am constantly feeling like I’m this evil, horrible person and I remember crying  thinking of memories from my childhood and thinking ‘how could I turn out like this, how could I have gone my whole life not even noticing how bad I am’ it broke my heart to think I was this scary monster. Even writing this gets my brain thinking ‘Am I?’ but I think us people with OCD need to stop questioning who we are, it takes time for anyone to discover who they are, let alone when you’re so lost, battling a mental illness, constant anxiety, doubts and thoughts. I don’t think anyone could find their inner self with all of that going on in there heads. We need to stop asking ourselves ‘Is this me or my OCD?’ mainly with intrusive thoughts, because I think that is the main reason people question themselves and try to work out whether what they are thinking/feeling is them or the OCD.

tumblr_mz7f70kLwt1t010doo1_500

How about instead of ‘Is this me or my OCD?’ we just think ‘I have OCD, it doesn’t matter right now if its me or my OCD, I’m feeling anxious, the need for certainty, reassurance or to do a ritual so it most likely is OCD, I will come back to this question later on when I’m calmer’. What is the point in that question, if you asking yourself ‘is this OCD?’ it is most likely to be OCD, its known as the disease of doubt and that’s a doubt in itself questioning if your thoughts and feelings are you or OCD.

tumblr_mwc4hj8yAs1sl3yajo1_500

 As Sharon Davies from the OCD Treatment Centre said ‘You can’t think yourself into inner peace, inner peace comes when your mind is clear’ which I think is really true and relates back to feeling like you know longer know who you are because OCD is such apart of your mind and life. You can’t know who you are until you’ve learnt to except and deal with your OCD until then except you may not know who you are, as scary as that sounds. Why beat yourself up over not knowing what’s OCD and what’s you any more, you get more and more lost in your mind and are less likely to find your inner self. Take a deep breath, accept OCD, label OCD and refocus on anything BUT OCD.

tumblr_mz6b4vV08w1rc2ub3o1_500

9 thoughts on “Is this me, or my OCD?

  1. found reading your blog really interesting, one of my friends has ocd and she has bad anxiety issues, she used to always ask me if i was still her best friend just because she needed some reasurrance, It was frustrating to always be reassuring her but i knew if i didnt she would get really down and think that everyone hated her. Reading this actually kinda helped me to see it more from her side and i know that she cant really control her anxiety. keep up with the blog, its good that you can write so openly about something thats so personal to you and i hope you can fight the ocd!

    • Aw thank you that means a lot to me! Yeah the thing is by you giving her reassurance and trust me I know how bad she wants it, you feed OCD! So by giving her the reassurance she desperately wants its only making her OCD worse, but it is so hard not too when someone you care about is so upset without it. Feel free to link her to my blog posts or even message me if she wants any help or even if you wan’t some advice! I was scared about talking so openly at first but then I thought why should I be? if anyone can relate too or be helped by my posts thats all that matters!! xxx

  2. Hi there, great post. Like you say, those of us with OCD find that we doubt ourselves a lot, and like you say it is known as the doubting disease. I did a post a while ago trying to figure out who I was , but the thing is I didn’t know which point to start from, and couldn’t remember a time when there wasn’t some form of mental illness there. It’s very difficult at times isn’t it? Best wishes

    • Thank you, really means a lot. Yeah I think its really hard when you have so much going on in your head to work out which part of it is the true you and which is the mental health, so its better to not even try and work it out. I guess its something you will learn over time, I don’t think even older people know who they are fully, maybe its just something that as we grow we learn new bits about ourselves each day! Plus people with OCD tend to be over thinkers which I think is why we ask ourselves those kind of questions when some people from day to day probably never even think about it, they are just them and they don’t look into, guess it just depends on whether your a deep thinker! Stay strong xxx

    • Thank you, well I was worried about being so open at first but I’m so glad I have opened up about it not only for myself but its bought me in contact with people going through the same things as me and the fact that people relate too and find my posts even the a little helpful is the main thing! xxx

  3. Pingback: When you hear OCD do you think about someone washing their hands over and over? | PMDD: It's Not Just PMS

  4. Everytime I doubt I have OCD. I realize My brain is doing it because Ihave a need for certainty. And everytime there’s certainty there’s doubt. So I try not to be certain about things.

    • Yeah OCD is such a awkward illness it corners you so you can’t win! Accepting things can’t be certain in life is all part of recovery it’s extreamly difficult to accept even though we know we can never be certain about OCD and consequences of not performing a ritual or knowing what that crazy though meant! So well done for trying to accept uncertainty, it’s hard but necessary for recovery! Xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s