Update: Where Have I Been?

Why hello there my lovely readers, long time no blog post, its been far too long!

This blog post is simply going to be a little update of whats gone on since I last wrote and also explaining a little bit about whats going on with me and why I haven’t been around! Since my last blog post I turned 21, so its official  I am a legal adult in every country. I had a lovely Birthday where I felt extremely spoilt, loved and grateful to have such amazing family around me. I received so many amazing gifts and went for my first ever wagamama’s which I can confirm lived up to its hype. The famous katsu curry was delicious and the katsu banana with salted caramel ice-cream pudding was perfection to say the least. Not only that I then got taken out again, this time for afternoon tea for the first time, with my mum.

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So why haven’t I written a blog post in so long? I think that’s due to a number of things, let me try to explain the best I can without giving away too many personal details. I hadn’t realized until recently how disconnected I had become to everything around me and it’s hit me hard realizing what I’ve become like. I’ve become self-destructive, lazy, depressive and someone I don’t like very much, a tired, negative and depressed girl who stopped taking care of herself. I’ve been in my own little world and not a positive one. I became uninterested in blogging and most other things around me. Blogging has been one extremely positive thing I’ve kept going until recently and I miss it. I miss channeling my creative thoughts, communicating within the blogging community and doing something I enjoy, but temporarily forgot I did. I want to better myself now and return to reality as I feel like I’ve been running away from my problems, saying I’m trying, saying tomorrow or next week or next month I will try to sort my self out, when in reality for the last 5 years I’ve been saying the exact same thing.

Instead of my OCD being the problem or my anxiety, I had just become self-destructive in many areas of my life that I hadn’t noticed until recently when it’s all hit me and I’ve had some home truths from people around me. Even writing this post I can feel my eyes filling with tears because I feel like I’ve been so lost and still am but finally realizing this and taking steps to better myself. Its upsetting me realizing how vacant I’ve been, living a life that is mainly on my computer and slowly self-destructing and losing my self-worth on a downward spiral. Its like I stopped caring about looking after myself.

I suppose we all lose ourselves sometimes and until we realize we have, we can’t change. If you are feeling lost in life like me, please know that you are not alone and you can and will find yourself just like I will soon. No more negativity, I can and will find myself this time, as can you, you just have to believe. I’ve stopped brushing everything that’s wrong with my life under the carpet now, and if you know you’re struggling you have to as well. Just know that it may hurt and be hard to deal with thinking about, accepting and acknowledging these problems you’re facing and changes you need to make but once you’ve done that you can finally start to heal and take steps to change just as I am. If anyone is struggling and feeling lost always feel free to contact me via my Tumblr ask box – anonymous or not, my Facebook Page or my twitter, all links will be below. Your not alone, I am here for you and will support you.

I’m ready to start making changes now, are you?

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I’m back ready to blog, I don’t know if anyone actually noticed I was gone but I want to thank any of my followers and new followers who have stuck around even though I have failed to write recently.

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Stay strong,

Anna

Reflecting on 2013.

Another year is almost over and it will soon be 2014, scary I know! At the start of every year I look back and think this year will be different, but then I sit back  and do nothing, and before I know it another birthday has been and I’m thinking ‘I’ve still got ages to change yet, then a new year is suddenly a couple of days away’! Now I have had some struggles with my OCD and depression, but I feel like this could be my year, I have a lot more control over my OCD and moods! This year has been better than previous ones, I have achieved some things such as going to an intensive therapy and fighting OCD, losing weight and even starting this blog! But with me it’s just ‘doing’ everything, getting a job, getting out and about, losing more weight etc I want to do it so bad yet the thought of it all scares me so much and gives me so much anxiety, I just keep putting it off until another year of staying home with no job or social life has gone by!

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All of the things I know I need to do scare me so much but I don’t want to waste any more years, I have wasted so many years with a life revolved around OCD, anxiety and depression. Its easier said than done but this has to stop, I don’t think I will ever feel ready to get a job but the longer I put it off the more scary it will be too me.

This year I am determined to not let my problems make me a prison in my own house, I feel like I am able to do all these things I want, but I am my own worst enemy and don’t believe in myself, I can’t see myself working and having a massive social life again, its been so long it seems alien too me.  I know what I need to do, it’s just doing it, I remember  my parents we’re saying ‘Anna you need to sort yourself out, before you know it another year will be gone and you won’t have done anything’ and I would reply ‘Yeah I will I have ages until another year yet, in my own time I will’ which makes me sound lazy and spoilt ‘in my own time I will’ but it’s not that, I’m just so so scared of stepping outside of this comfort bubble I’ve built around myself and I don’t want to burst it and see what’s outside, but I do at the same time.

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Even writing this now and really thinking about the last 3 or 4 years of my life where I’ve really not done a lot, makes me feel so many things, disappointed, nervous, lost, upset, angry etc but at the same time this is how im comfortable and how in a way I like to be now. This year though, 2014, will be my year. I write that with doubt, but why? I am the only person stopping myself, it is all possible if I allow it to be.

I don’t want to be reading this at the end of 2014 and having that feeling of regret and disappointment about myself, that I spent another year doing nothing, it is such a waste of life. At times I see no point in life it all seems so pointless, but why is it? I should be making the most of it and thinking ‘Well today I feel like life is pointless, but tomorrow I might not’ put that mood to one side and carry on living my life as I am here, and I’m not going to feel any better doing nothing and I definitely won’t find the answer to ‘What is the point?’ sitting on my bum moping all day.

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So I thought I would write a couple of the main things I want to achieve with in this year, seeing it written down and knowing other people will be reading this and maybe even inspiring other people to do the same might help me, as I don’t want to let my lovely readers down do I? ♥

  • Get some form of job
  • Carry on losing weight (currently lost 3 st)
  • Go out more
  • Carry on blogging and making my blog grow!
  • Keep fighting OCD and get better at it

This may all look like simple easy things, but to me there huge changes, I really need to do this, so if any of you bright sparks have any ideas on ways to keep myself motivated or tips in general, feel free to message me on here, Twitter and Tumblr!

I hope 2014 is going to be YOUR year too, Happy New Year!

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