If OCD Was A Person

If OCD Was A Person Blog Post

I have been struggling with my OCD recently, which means I have been talking to people around me about it and explaining how I feel a lot. Which is a positive thing to do, bottling up your feelings won’t do you any good. Sometimes however people don’t understand how something mental inside your head, can cause someone so much distress and control them so much. It was then I decided to explain what OCD would be like as a person. This gave me the idea for today’s blog post. I thought it might help people who don’t understand the mental struggles  we go through, or can’t quite see why we can’t just ignore it. Maybe putting it into a human form of what OCD is like to us, inside our heads will help them picture it. Of course OCD isn’t another being. It is apart of our brains but it can really feel like there’s an evil being in our heads controlling us. OCD can be so dark it can feel as if it couldn’t possibly be apart of your own brain. Which is why thinking of it as a being who is causing you to suffer, can help you and others see it for what it is. A bully.

OCD makes people believe they are in constant danger, and need to perform mental or physical compulsions, if they don’t something awful will happen. E.g ‘if I don’t do such and such, someone I love will die’. Eventually someones whole day can be filled with unwanted compulsions, because the thoughts that something will happen are so strong. It can also twist someones thoughts and emotions so much so, that they don’t even know who they are anymore. If they stop questioning the thoughts how will they ever know if they mean something about their core self, or if they are real thoughts they enjoy. E.g A gory image pops into their head, it terrifies them and makes them question what if I could do that said image to someone’. This fills them with such distress, they won’t stop analysing and running over the thoughts in their head for hours a day. They believe these thoughts that most people don’t even notice, mean there a murder or psychopath. They live in fear of themselves when they have always been a good person.

So what would OCD be like if it was a human….

Picture a tall, dark person, the kind of person or being that would intimidate even the strongest and bravest of people. At the start of meeting them it would almost be as if they are there to keep you safe, ‘If you do what I say, nothing bad will happen’. Why wouldn’t you listen to them when they tell you it’s for yours and everyone elses benefit, there, there to help you see danger. They are also really good at convincing you, that YOU are the bad person here, not them. You NEED them. They are so good at twisting things, and making you believe you truly are an awful human being or that you never really knew who you were without them.

After a while, you realise your being controlled and manipulated, the person is just trying to break you down and control your every being, it started out small and now you can’t do anything without them interfering. They are stripping you of your life, you’re their prisoner. They are so good at manipulating you and torturing you with vivid scenarios of what will happen if you don’t do what they say or if they leave your life, its impossible not to listen. Picture the evil kind of person who feeds of people’s distress and lives for the control they have over someone. When you try to go against them and leave, the manipulating gets worse, they are so good at guilt tripping you and the fear they make you feel is so strong. They have the power to make you feel so hopeless, worthless, alone, controlled, scared and depressed.

That’s OCD.

Happy New Year to you all,

Anna

 

 

 

 

Feel Good Friday: You’re Exactly Where You’re Mean’t To Be

I want to start this blog post by apologizing for not writing a Feel Good Friday blog post for a while now. My OCD has been getting in the way of my blogging but I am back, not that anyone probably noticed there had been a shortage of blog posts (haha).

Today’s blog post is going to be about something I read on Tumblr a while ago, that really made me think. You know when you’re stuck in traffic, behind a slow car, in a que, late for something, missed your bus these are just examples of annoying and frustrating things that happen from day-to-day, the list could go on. I am here to tell you why these frustrating things are ok and why they could end up being positive, because you were exactly where you were supposed to be at that moment in time.

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Here is the eye-opening quote I found on Tumblr..

The head of a company survived 9/11 because
His son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn’t go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.

One of them
Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.

One’s
Car wouldn’t start.

One couldn’t
Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work but before.
He got there, he developed a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today..

Now when I am
Stuck in traffic,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone…
All the little things that annoy me,
I think to myself,

This is exactly where
I’m meant to be
At this very moment.

Try to remember this when little things happen and you can feel that frustration bubbling up inside you and let it go.

Happy Friday beautiful people,

Anna

The Controversial Topic Of ‘Attention Seekers’

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Its come to my attention (no pun intended) that some people have the view that anyone who self harms, makes a suicide threat or tries and fails to commit suicide is an attention seeker. I guess sometimes that can be the case and some people do these things because they want any attention. I don’t think that makes them a bad person, believe it or not there are reasons some people do these things in a non direct way of ‘attention seeking’  I don’t even like using that word to describe it.  It’s hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself. One thing I need to clear up is I am not saying everyone who does self harm or attempts suicide does it for attention, there are many reason why someone might self harm such as: self hate, a way of seeing the pain they feel inside on the outside, a release,  a coping mechanism or despair, there are so many reasons.

I am not saying that its okay and a good idea to do these things because you have a reason, I want people to realise sometimes people go to such lengths to show people how bad they really feel. If someone is doing it purely for attention then they must be lacking attention in an area of their life, so again I think saying their an attention seeker is a strong statement that’s of course in SOME cases, they are still struggling. Most people who self harm hide their scars, but eventually someone will see them and find out, or some times someone might want people to see them because of reasons I will be giving below but then when they do feel embarrassed and wish they hadn’t! Which I’m not going to deny I have experienced before, kind of wanting to tell or slyly show someone but being scared and then if it happens hating it and feeling stupid. Often its mixture of  a cry for help and one of the above reasons e.g release. Sometimes people are looking for someone to care.

I DO NOT condone someone showing off and promoting self harm, there’s a difference.

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Sometimes when you feel so much pain on the inside, self harming is a way of showing the pain on the outside not necessarily displaying your scars to everyone but unfortunately a lot of people don’t realise how bad someone can be feeling mentally because of a lack of understanding. People understand physical pain and hurt a lot easier, than mental pain. A person can feel so low and so alone and like no one understands how bad they feel so they don’t get the help they desperately need. But they know if someone accidentally or purposely sees or finds out they want to or do hurt themselves they seem to take more notice of the problem. I wouldn’t call them an attention seeker I’d say they are desperate for help because they can’t take how they feel for much longer! Ironic that people will call someone an attention seeker if they don’t understand a mental illness yet, when people around them fail to recognise how bad that person feels, they go to such lengths to make people realise but then they are again an attention seeker!

I have often heard people say ‘if someone wanted to die, they could have easily committed suicide properly’ and I think that’s the bit people don’t understand, I have been there, felt so low where all sorts of things go through your mind. When I think deeply about those thoughts and feelings I  was experiencing I didn’t want to die and be gone from the world and everyone I love forever, I just wanted the pain inside to stop. People are willing to attempt suicide to stop how they feel there and then, others yes may genuinely want to die, but I think a lot of the time its despair, because I do think its true if you really wanted to be gone you could do it. But I don’t think a lot of people suffering genuinely want that, they wan’t to be heard, understood, helped and to get rid of what emotions they are feeling.

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At the end of the day calling someone who is clearly struggling with an internal battle whether it be for ‘attention’ or another reason an attention seeker is unfair and helps nor you or that person, take it seriously. There will be a reason behind what they are doing and one day that cry for help won’t be a cry for help, they will take the self harm too far or succeed with their next suicide attempt, don’t let the person get that far. I was worried about writing about this subject as I know it’s a very sensitive and controversial topic and I didn’t want to give out the wrong message. I wanted people to see that ‘attention seeking’ doesn’t always mean someone’s not suffering.  I do hope someone out there related to what I wrote about, if you have ever been called an attention seeker yourself or just found this  informative and helped you understand this topic more.

Stay Strong,

Anna

Mental Health: Being Told To ‘Remember There’s Other People Worse Off Than You’

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Ever had someone throw out the classic ‘There’s people starving in Africa and you think you’ve got it hard?’ or ‘There’s people with much worse mental and physical disability’s than you and they cope!’ line? I know I have and I’m pretty sure most people suffering from any mental health problem has! I understand why people use that line because it is true there probably are people ten times worse of than I am or any of us are, but that doesn’t change how we feel. As long as we know we have some things to be grateful for and can recognise we aren’t the worst off person in the world that’s all that matters. Unfortunately whether we can recognise that or not does not change our situations and the mental struggles we  go through, telling someone this will only make them feel guilty, worthless and very alone for not being able to cope with their situation when there are people struggling more than themselves.

Using this comparison is like a friend coming to me after they’ve broken up with their boyfriend, being in floods of tears needing someone to be there for them and me simply saying ‘Your crying over a break up when I have to fight OCD everyday?’ I would never dream of saying that. It’s not a competition and at the end of the day whether I have OCD or am going through tougher times than my friend, it doesn’t change the fact she is upset and needs someone. If it was as easy as someone telling you about how Joe Bloggs down the road is coping with such and such a problem better than you and they have it worse off, then everyone would be ok. If saying this helped or shocked people into thinking they shouldn’t be depressed or not working or giving into OCD rituals etc everyone would get better very quickly. I can’t say to my brain ‘OCD did you hear that, there’s someone worse off than me, there for you should stop bugging me now and making me depressed’ it just has a negative effect and makes me feel stupid and guilty.

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At the end of the day there will always be someone worse of than you in life, but this doesn’t make what your upset about or struggling with any less. You are still struggling and there’s no switch to switch that emotion off, you can be grateful that you don’t have that other persons situation and maybe take some positivity from the fact you have things a little better but it’s not going to change your situation. I know sometimes you feel like someone’s over dramatizing their problems when you have a lot more stuff going on but try to remember what they feel is real and although it may or may not be as bad as what you’re going through, they still need someone and making them feel bad about feeling the way they do won’t help and at the end of the day everyone deals with stuff differently!

Anna

Feel Good Friday

I have really been loving listening to Taylor Swift recently, her songs are just lovely and really easy listening, plus I know the lyrics to all her songs, so I can sing very loudly to them! I was listening to this song yesterday and one lyric really stood out to me and inspired me.

The  lyrics in this song I really like are…

“Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine”

This song is about love, but this line I think you can take however you want and to me it’s about being yourself and not worrying what other people think. There will be People who will always be unkind to different people who they don’t understand or are jealous of, which just means your different and you shine, so as hard as it may be don’t worry!

There will always be people who throw rocks at you but there will always be other people who think you shine, so never think you’re not special. The saying “You could be the juiciest ripest peach, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches” really apply’s to this, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you, not because you do something wrong, just because that’s life we have different tastes and some people just won’t, but there will be tons of other people who will love you for who you are, so don’t change those quirky personality traits and looks, your beautiful ♥

Happy Friday,

Anna x

Growing Up

I was listening to the song ‘Never Grow Up’ by Taylor Swift, and if you’ve not heard this song yet, check it out, it’s really beautiful and it never fails to get me thinking about growing up and how much I miss being a child. So that’s basically what this post is going to be about, growing up and how I’ve struggled maturing and growing up with a mental illness. When you’re a child or especially a teenager, you wish those years away, wishing to be an adult so you don’t have to listen to your parents, we all do it! I am now 19 and honestly all I can say is, don’t wish those years away, it may feel like you’re a child or teenager forever but trust me those adult years will come round quicker than you think and once there gone you miss it!

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I think growing up in our society is harder than ever, there is so much pressure on you to know what you want to do career wise and feeling like if you don’t achieve good GCSE’s (which is an exam you take in england, in your final year at school) your future will be nothing. When I was suffering with OCD during my final year at school, I was so confused about myself and what was going on with me, how could I possibly know what I want to do as soon as I leave school, I think teachers should be preparing us for adult life, not just for GCSE’S. They should tell us its ok, if you don’t know what or who you want to be at the moment there’s no rush take your time.

I think I thought I was all grown up during school and I feel like when I finally left school at the age of 16, it shocked me, I’d spent my whole life in education and suddenly I had to choose what I wanted to do for my future, it scared me. I knew I was going to leave school at some point but It was like I never expected it to come, perhaps I pushed it to the back of mind not realising I was scared. I now look back and realise I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was, I was suffering with OCD and I didn’t feel ready to leave school and start planning for a career.

I think what I’m trying to say is, remember to cherish your school life and child hood, and that its ok to be scared, so what if you don’t know what you want to study and be when your older, there’s still time to discover yourself and the best way to do this is by studying and looking for things that you LOVE, without trying things how can you know what you want to do, some people do, but I am for sure not one of those.

I wish I had stayed young and innocent, for much longer than I did, but at the time I didn’t want too, these days you get into boys or girls at an earlier age, wear more revealing clothes at a young age, see explicit music videos by celebrity’s you look up too and the list goes on. I’m pretty sure at some point my parents would have told me not to rush into growing up but you tend to not listen and think ‘what do you know’ as if they we’re never a child that grew up themselves.

I’m 19 and if you are 16 and under, take it from me who wasn’t long ago 16, cherish every moment you have left in school, and to anyone who’s leaving school, stay strong and don’t be pressured into knowing what you want to do, you have time to decide, when you stop over analyzing and forcing a decision upon yourself you will be more likely discover what you want from life and who you are!

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I wish I was more educated on growing up, and prepared for how hard I may find it and that everybody finds growing up different, some find it easy, others like me it will take time and it will seem scary, but its inevitable so stay strong and you will find yourself, whether it takes you 5 years and the other person 2, you will find your place in this big world just don’t rush!

Why are we taught unnecessary things at school we never use once we’re left, yet we’re barely educated on things like finding who we are, buying a house, budgeting, finances, moving out, standing on our own two feet, cooking meals, being confident with ourselves  and our abilities etc. There are so many things I still don’t know and I am having to learn, yet I can’t remember the last time I needed to remember that algebra equation I got taught in maths class!

I mean of course I’m not a teacher and know nothing about the curriculum and why they teach us what they do, but I feel like we should focus on learning its ok to grow up slowly and instead of putting huge amounts of pressure on someone to achieve GCSE results to make the school look even better, we should focus on producing happy and well-rounded pupils, that don’t leave school feeling scared and lost.

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Let me know if you felt like this when you left school or if you agree with anything I’ve talked about?

Make Your Own Road

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Just a quick post, found this picture and quote and it really made me think, so you guys get the pleasure of me babbling on about it!

Life is full of ups and downs, so is a road, but in life we have the choice of where are road is going to take us. There is never one route, we can build our own roads and futures, it might not be easy to turn around and take another route but when you get on that road you want, you will be proud of how far you’ve come and finding your way will mean the road you built for yourself, from all the hard times will be the best. Never follow someone else’s road, be yourself and create your own road, create your own future. Make your own positive road and if you’re not happy with the current road your on, take a different route, learn and gain strength from it!

Anna ♥